i know this is weird but have you ever felt really happy and really sad at the same time. like bittersweet kind of feeling but really extreme.
thank god for second chances but i really really have to buck up for uni now. just got back most of my sem exam marks and i dont mean to sound arrogant at all i swear but i really really with all my heart did not expect to screw up this badly. except for stats. which i expected because i really rushed all my syllabus, focusd too much on hypothesis testing etc then realized it wasnt coming out this exams because the lecturer wants to re-teach everything so only the front probability parts came out and i really suck at probability. i really dont blame anyone but myself for stats, i was disappointed but i wasnt super disappointed or sad or discouraged. but maths and econs were the ultimate killer to my heart i know so drama but its true :( i always believed that if i worked hard and smart for that exam then it should reflect on my exam results. and i really did. i actually feel stupid for sacrificing so much of my time while my grandparents were here and had to give up the holiday trip my parents planned, all my dinners and sleeping time to hardcore like crazy for it. if i knew i was going to screw up i might as well screw up to the maximum :( im so discouraged now but i wont sit down and wail and cry because frankly i have got no time to do so. every minute i spend reflecting on how screwed up i was, i waste the time i can spend to catch up on everything that is so rushed up. im actually really scared because my exams are so soon, in may. and cny mood is ruined to the maximum although its the only one thing i look forward to every single year.
i know this spending time complaining about this while im blogging wtf wont help me in any way but i just need to get this out so that i dont die of depression or heart attack or a horrible failure suicidal. and the truth is some people did get A! so if they can i have no idea why i cant. i mean its not like everyone screwed up, if there is at least one person who can get A i dont see why i cant either. and i dont know if this is just a sudden hormone rage or what but i really really feel that US education system suits me so much better. i really hate to be judged on how intellectual i am although im not that intellectual anyway wtf by my grades but this is exactly what my course is doing. US edu system is so diverse and was just talking to alwin the other day and he tells me he does the subject weather for his major in econs! can you believe it! weather! i would be so happy to learn about the clouds and how it affects the economic system and when is the heaviest rainfall wtf i dont mind at all! and they get to learn languages and sports and singing gives credit hours! i like to learn other things eventhough they wont directly help me for my work in the future except for ridiculous things like integrating trigo or partial derivatives which i find utter bullshit.
i guess there is no point complaining cos its not like i can do anything about it now. but im just very disappointed and upset with everything. and its only the beginning of the year wtf.
but i got one of the best phone call today so im very very happy about it. and had dinner with xian hui and nick! came back from US and UK so happy to see them! and xh got me this from new york! soo cute!
so im happy and sad at the same time and im actually really tired too but obviously i cant rest cos i have to solve freaking multipliers that dont make sense to me at all.
i really hope everything works out, fingers crossed about infinity times.