insecure?

heya!

exams are overrrr!

ahh im so so glad! :D :D :D its been a rollercoaster for three weeks and the feeling of after exams are just the sweetest! :D

anyway. yeahh im super exhausted right now :( woke up at 6 plus. on a friggin saturday! went for accounts tution which lasted three hours! 8-11 am. rushed to nicole's place to get slide shows and speeches ready for closing ceremony on wednesday.

had lunch with alwin and wan hong. hahaha. yeah chern yao got conned by the shop so he got pissed and cancelled his order hahaha. he ordered a salad but what they put in the salad is not what they stated on the menu. hahaha. so yeah he got pissed and he left back to nic's place earlier. me wan hong and alwin got conned too=='' hahahahaha. its the funniest lunch i had since a long long time.

wan hong ordered spagetti but when it came it was black color. hahahaha! alwin and me ordered some fried rice which tasted like crapp! you should have seen our faces. as much as it was fustrating we laughed till we nearly died. and miscommuniactions on the way too. lol inside joke.

haha then at 4 rushed to church for dg. bk class was on from 6-7. now im back home and yeahh super tired. going out for dinner soon i think. but im not sure if i have the energy. first time im saying no to food. miracle =='' hahaha. gotta prepare my speech finish by tonight cos i'll be helping kai ma at her stall at BU3 carnival tmrr from 7 am to 6pm.

COME VISIT OUR STALL! YOU WONT REGRET! :D and then i've gotta rush to nic's place again till 10pm to finish up speeches and practice them with the rest of the board of Directors.

and accounts teacher spamming classes like crapp. physics add maths and chem tution also spamming to teach form five stuff. and im gonna spam reading bible knowledge and score like high A1 for it. by high meaning 90 over. i dont care la. i just wanna take bk more seriously and no its not impossible to get 90 plus.

beacuse i am gonna do it.

talk until like damn easy. hahahaha. less talk more work man. lol. and im gonna spam accounts too. ahh my accounts is like on the verge of dropping in the drain.

so anyway in dg today. yeahps i learned important stuff. you know what. joshua in the book of joshua? hahaha. he's damn hot. seriously. he sounds so awesome and hot! hahaha. anyway. thats

not the point. yeahps we learned bout book of joshua. and its rlly interesting.

after that we did talk about the giants in our life that we are facing and yeahps. currently i cant deny i have giants in my life too. im afraid to tell my mum my marks. yeahh. i'll get screwed like crapp. i dont know la. my mum is expecting marks like 80 plus. but thats not possible for me. not now at least. oh well. life's like that eh.

my other insecurities? yeahh my sisters are geniuses. and usually the say that the older one must set good example for the younger ones to follow. but i dont think i am. both of them are way smarter than me. my smallest sister got 14 th placing out of 675 students in yuk chai. standard two la. when i was 8? i was playing catch. watching tv. playing video games. she? practicing her maths. studying her science? yeahh.

sometimes i really feel insecure. come on. if anyone who is given a choice. who wouldnt want to be smart? to be praised? to be noticed? to be the apple of the eye of your parents? i admit im not as smart. i dont score 90 plus marks. im not those extraordinary students who does exceptionally well in school. im not the one that everyone comes to look after when they need solutions to questions.

but i can say that. if in terms of effort.

i give the most effort and i work the hardest among the three of us.

i know im not one of those blessed with extra neurons in the brain.

but i never let those stuff stop me.

i put in the most work and i study the most among my three sisters.

i sleep later than them and i wake up earlier than them.

that was even when i was their age.

and it sucks that everytime they are the ones that come back with results that put that smile on my mum's face.

while i am the one that gets the lecture all the time.

im not saying that i hate it my sisters are smart. but yeahh. you get my point.

my dad is awesome. he doesnt look down or neither does he compare. as long as i improve he's already rlly glad. like from 40 to 50 for add maths. im not gifted with numbers. but yeahh.

sometimes i just want my mum to know that i put in lots of effort. and im always giving out my best. i wouldnt mind going out that extra mile to earn the things i need.

in fact i would gladly go any extra mile to help me get the grades i need.

i dont blame my mum in a way either. living in the world today everything is about academics.

who cares if you are gifted in other areas?

who cares if your talents are other stuff?

no one does. i know genuinely she wants the best for me. but soemtimes its tiring and exhausting.

thats one of my main insecurities. and i dont exactly know what i wanna do in future. i gotta start deciding now. and get a rough idea of what i wanna do in future. of course. the jobs that gets the fame and glory.

doctors. engineers. lawyers. etc.

noo. im not saying that being those are nonsensical.

its whether you are doing it for the passion.

or simply because everyone else is doing it.

im praying really hard that God decides for me. i honestly have no idea what i wanna do. i might wanna open up a kindergarten. or does something that is close to my heart. maybe open up orphanages? or im kinda interetsed in becoming a pilot.

i just need a soul to give me support in everything i do. besides my dad. and my grandparents never failed believeing in me. zhiling : ) you never stopped have you? you know sometimes you dont know how you impact someone's life by just lending them the support they need in times when no one believes in them.

and i wanna put my full trust in God. in everything i do i just wanna rlly trust him. beacuse he made me special. and different from the rest. im just gonna end this post with a short extract i read from this book yew juan and su asked me to read.

A few weeks ago I sat underneath a star-filled sky just ''being still and knowing He's God''. I was struggling with a few things as I looked up at the inky vastness, feeling so small and lost in it. My eyes scanned the sky until they loocked on one particularly bright star that I was unable to look away from. It was brighter than all the other stars. It wasnt in a cluster of stars but was by itself. God quietly whispered to my heart,'' Thogu at times when standing alone can feel like the loneliest, most painful place to be, those who stand alone capture and hold My gaze. The ones who are okay with being different and shining brighter are the ones I cant look away from. Dont try to be like everyone else when you were meant to stand apart. Dont kill the dreams that set you apart and make you different, for your dreams make you who you are.

the dream giver by Jessica and Bruce Wilkinson.

honestly i dont know how awesome can God get. hahaha. out for dinner! looks like i cant turn down food after all. haha tata!