reciprocated

tomorrow night, I will be on the way home to Penang. ah home :) home where my heart is ever flowing with joy!

just lately I feel like too many things have been happening and I am updating in such short spans of time, talking about from MIA-ing for a year to updating in a day?!! ah reciprocation. Such a terrible state to not be in. Is it wrong to want it? To yearn for it? Is it less sincere if we want to be reciprocated in a way that when we do something for others we want something back in return?

Sometimes I feel like it isn't so much about returning the favor in a different form, but more of like feeling appreciated. I think it is just nice to be appreciated. To know that your good works is loved and impacted in another's life. I think that is all that is asked. And perhaps to be loved in return as well. But then is earned love not love in the first place? If we have to earn our love, isn't love then a gift for our merits? And if we do not do enough, will our love be lost and never be spoken again?

And so maybe we don't do things to be loved, we do things for another because we love. Because if we do things to be loved, there is bound to be disappointment. But I think the best kind of love is the one where we do something for the ones we love, and they reciprocate back because they love us, not because of our works but just because they simply love us. And when one reciprocates back and it repeats infinitely, love is indefinite. Life is indefinite. 

If I can say what love means to me, it is simply this-We love because He first loved us. I don't think our human love can ever measure up to the unconditional love of my Father in Heaven. He is ever so loving, ever so gracious, ever so my Dad. He painted the skies but He chose to hold my heart close to His. I am so grateful that even when my own failures and selfishness overtakes me, I am so secured in His unchanging love. I can never measure up to His love ever, but knowing and experiencing His love, I can love not from my own strength but His. 

To love and to be loved back is the most blissful thing one can ever ask for

whats new

unfortunately I find it so hard to keep updating all the time because of time constraint but I really love writing down things because it really is like the textbook of my life. 2014 has been nothing but amazing so far even though it has only been few weeks into the new year! Singapore was amazeballs as always, people coming back from Aussieland and US, dinner, celebrations, and many gatherings and laughter.

If there was one thing I want to do this New Year, that would be to really have the courage to cut out things that does not benefit my life and to be bolder in all my decision making knowing that my principalities are to never be compromised. I think I am never one who voices out many things which may hurt or if there was ever a conflict, I would prefer no confrontation from my side. People often say that is just a very good nature, to always be accommodating, but most of the time I think I am just a plain coward.

So my new year reso, eventhough I never believed in reso coz I just think its full of shit that we need to have a new year to have new starts, is to care less of other people's selfish interest but instead to invest more in my own opinions and thoughts. Also been feeling like I do not need anyone's approval to live my own life, rebellious kao right haha,  but this is the breakthrough I really need. I really enjoy staying home and having alone time lately, I really have love just staying in my room and spending time by myself. I find no need to go out to find fun and joy, and I love the peace in my own confined space, hope I am not becoming anti social wtf.

CNY IS HERE IN LESS THAN A WEEK and I CANT WAIT!!

back to four essays which I have been contemplating to do since Friday,

13th week?!!!

so my plan to document all my summer break activity failed pretty badly :( the thing is, I think I am developing this super terrible attention deficit syndrome which means that I get super agitated in the shortest span of time, ie: I need to finish up this blog post in the next 5 minutes or I would never see this post ever again. so I guess the trick is to write super short posts so that I don't get bored and decide that blogging is useless, which is not because I swear I need to really document my life journey wtf.

well, it is actually the 13 week of my new semester already WTH  I THOUGHT I JUST STARTED MY NEW SEM. only 2 more weeks to go, one week of study break, one week of mocks, two weeks of holidays, and when my second semester starts, it will be the last semester of my degree life :( so fast right wtf, it is so surreal that I am actually going to graduate next year and most probably this time next year I would be slaving in an auditing firm and also finishing up my professional papers if I don't give up and just want to be a taitai for life.

uni has been nothing short but super amazing and I am going to miss uni so so much. it is so true that uni is one of the best period ever in life and I am just grasping and embracing every moment of it now. I had so much contempt in the first year because it was such a struggle for me with all the calculation papers and I am glad I am done with it and now I am already in my third year! though I am still struggling now still wtf.

one thing that really touched my heart was that my grandparents said that they would want to come to my graduation and bring super huge bunch of flowers and I was so touched because they really were so genuinely proud and I couldnt care less about people saying oh Degree only what, wait till you get your Doctorate then you celebrate. fuck you, every milestone in life is equally as important, and now that I look back at the times I took my PMR, SPM or even UPSR, I would say that back then it would be as equally hard and just because I am done with it does not mean I can brag about how easy is it now for me because back then I was struggling my ass off to get the bloody grades I needed to get. so yes, all milestones are important and I love every good memory of it.

already missing my grandparents so much although they just went back but they are such gems and I really treasure them so much. I think being in a family, we all just want to love as much and be as kind to each other as we can and sometimes, I wished you would just be more considerate, be more of a family and stop being so fucking selfish and arrogant in all of your ways because frankly, you disgust me and the world does not fucking owe a single thing to you.

happy Sunday! 

what a contradiction of emotions but life is like that isn't it :) 

summer break!

woohoooo! after disappearing for 6 months, I am back!!! I didnt exactly disappear anywhere, just to uni and  back home everyday and I have no idea how the heck it consumes so much time, can sleep for 6 hours also considered blessing already wtf. done with my second year exams and now just waiting for results in August arghhhhhh hopefully all goes well cos the exams were so difficult, LIKE REALLY DIFFICULT TT thank God that all my papers this year has more theory in it so my strategy was to just aim for all the theory questions and do the minimum required amount of calculation question and everyone of my classmates went berserk and said OMG NAT YOU SIAO AH, WHO THE HELL AIMS FOR THEORY QUESTION, CALCULATION QUESTIONS SO EASY TO SCORE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT IN THE EXAM ONLY ONLY MA. but the figuring out requires like 20 brains to compute, seriously :( this also indicates how smart all my classmates are, like each of them has 20 brains. so thankful for all the theory questions eventhough I dunno if it hits the point or not, cos all the examiner's commentaries mentions that students love regurgitating, lol directing to students like me, IF NOT HOW LA YOU TELL ME, ITS THEORY MA but nvm la its okay, at least better than last year, MATHS 1, STATS 1, MATHS 2, STATS 2 walao, like putting a hot iron down my throat man.

and after 9 months of torture and stress beyond my imagination-I AM FREE!!! well. sort of. the trick about three months summer break is that this thing called INTERNSHIP surfaces :( but everyone that has replied me says there is no position so far, so I feel damn guilty. but honestly I really dont mind not interning but then everyone is interning, makes me feel like a loser, peer pressure sial. 

so as for now I just plan to watch tv and read all my books and do everything I like and not worry about a single shit :D and also document all my summer break activity!

this is the good life :)

changed

instead of a whole long complaint post i intended to write, i can only say this now.

do not focus on the natural and the lack, focus on Jesus' supernatural and his abundant grace and love.

amazing how Jesus' love can do so much, without struggle, without force.

Just free flowing and never ending :)

comforts

loving Sundays where I just come home after church filled with food and good fellowship and just lying down on bed reading books or just listening to music (: and so encouraged by the sermon today, much needed assurance that I got, so blessed. Sundays are usually quite packed with work because eversince I have Fridays off now with the condition of having a packed psycho Thurs, most Fridays are spent chilling although I should probably start cutting down on that, and weekends are spent on catching up with work but since its the festivities, couldnt be happier that there is additional much needed break to sort out everything!! ahhh bliss :))

I know this is weird but I would seriously rather chill at home then to go out to the mall and shop :(

see I've been travelling, been travelling forever,
but now that I'm finally home, feels like I'm in heaven :)
-Will.I.Am

oh sweetness

I think the best Singapore series I have ever watched would be Fighting Spiders. TOO GOOD!!!! But not like I watched many Singaporean series, oh oh and also Little Nyonya, cos all of us had to watch it and my grandparents were very happy that they produced it, made them proud to be one :) But anyway back to Fighting Spiders, its just too good, I love it too much! It's great to see how Singapore was back in the 1960's and the cast is so talented :) It's very comical because when I watch it, it feels as if everything could be related to it, as if they are playing your life out :) Today's episode was particularly funny because Jamal was trying to explain to Charlie about first love, and he gave a very funny analogy.

Not the exact quote, but in my own words :);
I used to practice climbing the coconut tree everyday and after a few days, I did. I plucked my first coconut and it was so sweet. And after that I climbed again, again and again, everyday. But the coconuts I had after that was never as sweet as the first one.
Jamal

Too cute!!! I love shows that bring back good memories although it never reeled that way in real life. I love it when it brings back memories without making anyone feel bitter about anything. Super funny and I love it! So excited to catch it every week. And of course, Soon Lee too! So darn good looking can die lol. 

So lifeless at home on a Saturday night, but so much work to do, it's never ending. And just got a reminder, only 180 days to exam, scaring the shit out of me, 6 months sounds a little bit long, but 180 days is so damn freaking short. You have got to be kidding me!! :(

Oh wells. Not like being worried can reduce the period of it coming so all we got to do is to stay calm.

BUT SERIOUSLY?!!!